My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
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ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
the saddest jazz hands ever
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Only short people can save us
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.