If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
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Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.