Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
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At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?