[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
My birthstone is kidney
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”