You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle