My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
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I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Who did it better?
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.