We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
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What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
What kind of a cult is this?