I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
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[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not