The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
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When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
😂😂😂😂😂😂
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”