Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
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Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.