sounds kinky. i’m in.
You Might Also Like
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
meanwhile over on facebook
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work