Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
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Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.