The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
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Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Rich people don’t understand cereal
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –