If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
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My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?