About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
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[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
nobody’s gonna understand
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Saw your ex at the shops
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food