just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
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This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.