Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
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SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.