This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
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ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
tinder is all about the long game
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle