went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
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My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
me, after any kind of buffet.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”