Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
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When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
live, laugh, laundry.