I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
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ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again