Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
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Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.