Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
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[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
found my next D&D character name
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
This kid will have a bright future.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something