🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
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That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal