My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
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My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I cannot stop laughing at this
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Getting married soon just need a spouse
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.