Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
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even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I wish I could veto my bills.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.