When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
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She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Covid like
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton