[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
You Might Also Like
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
(Gaming support cat.)
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Flowers bee like
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
the saddest jazz hands ever
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.