Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
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In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Science memes
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT