Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
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since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
o shit
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I can’t stop watching this.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.