*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
You Might Also Like
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.