Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
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It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Flock of bats
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER