I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
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me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
The government even made aliens boring
HERE’S MARKY
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it