[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
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I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.