olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
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God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.