I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
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Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Wikigenius
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
barbara was highly relatable
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
mood
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
#parenting
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
💻🤡
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.