Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
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To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭