Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
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Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Thinking about Jeff
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.