[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
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Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.