Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
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my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
December birthdays be like…