Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Important reminders
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Plumber: I think I found the problem
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Can’t, holding a grudge