If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
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Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”