my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
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The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things