Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
You Might Also Like
they really do be looking like this
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
A man of commitment.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
podcasts
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.