For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired