A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
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Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
The Struggle
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out