My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
You Might Also Like
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.