Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
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Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.