I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
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ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”