Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
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Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”